When I was a kid, I stood at the fence at the back of my yard and envied the golfers who drove their carts across the endless acres of manicured green. Living near the 16th tee of a country club course gave me lots of uncluttered acreage for me to image myself running free there …
Or at least driving free of obstacles and rules. My secret fantasy was not realized until I was 50-some and got to drive a golf cart for Retreat & Refresh Stroke Camp. Wait, I do follow the rules … honest.
I managed a lot of driving time recently while carting campers back and forth from the main building to the fishing pond off the bumpy road onto a very beaten path with so many rocks and ruts that I should have carried barf bags … for me. I warned my passengers to hold on tight and when the potholes to China were coming up. I hadn’t lost anybody in 13 years and wasn’t going to start now … despite some squeals of surprise, delight and laughter. Theirs, not mine.
I had time to myself on the way back after safely unloading my cargo and while avoiding well-worn ridges and holes on the uneven mix of dirt and gravel road. Part of me wanted to explore other hidden paths but I had to be responsible and take care of my campers. So I had to let my imagination take those least-traveled roads …
And there I saw myself going in circles on that golf course of my youth. There’s where I dreamed I’d be a writer and explore the world. And I’m doing that in ways I could never envision as a single-digit child … taking on the world and helping people at the same time … but somehow it doesn’t seem … enough … enough to build a truly fulfilling life.
Was it the fresh mountain air that stirred my brain at an altitude of 8,000-plus feet … that also gave me headaches and made it hard to sleep at night. But I could handle that for a few days.
It was what I needed to handle the rest of my life that raised the biggest questions … and doubts about what I can do and am capable of doing. The famous imposter syndrome shook her crooked finger at me and warned, “You’re running out of time. You’re not disciplined and motivated enough to be a finisher. You’re an imposter in sooooo many ways. I’ve known it all along.”
What a bitch. I hate her. Yet, she reveals all my shortcomings and shortsighted moments … and reminds me again how short I am. She asks how I can be so focused and patient with individuals and families going through difficult life challenges … and can’t sit still in a chair for an hour to finish writing projects.
Yes, the doctor and I talked a couple years ago and we agreed I have some ADD … DDDDDDD … issues. And that in no way demeans or makes fun of individuals who struggle with those challenges. I also understand that I hate what it does to me and how it leaves me wanting so much more than I can’t seem to give myself.
And now, I’m trying a new experiment that only can only be fulfilled with the generosity and patience of folks … like you. This spring, I used some daily to-do lists to accomplish a lot of little things that needed attention every day, and some of you were very kind to be my accountability partners. In many ways, that exercise helped because I’m being more consistent with certain daily activities.
But this is bigger and even more important to my soul’s calling. I refuse to let that imposter syndrome bitch rule my life when I have sooooo much more to do.
I need YOU to remind me to sit down every day and pound out my stories, articles and books. I need YOU to remind me I have so many individuals depending on me to get my shit together.
I can’t do it on my own any more. I can’t wait any longer to find a solution or I’ll never get out of circles I’m driving on my golf cart of life. If I don’t find a way to move to the next stop to refuel, I’ll simply die when the battery or tank runs out … as I dig deeper ruts into the majestic green and muddy the path for myself and others.
Who’s on my shit list … I mean, get my creative shit done list …
Hey, drop me a line at [email protected] or leave a comment below. I’d love to speak to your group, organization or company about working our way through the pain and challenges of everyday life. You want straight talk? You got me!