What’s the saying … we make plans and God laughs.
I do not write this in search of pity or get wells. My dear hubby Roger has been caring for me as best he can as I deal with whatever is all in my head. Well, I didn’t need a doctor to tell me that …
There’s a certain stillness in the middle of the night … of many nights … when you cannot sleep nor take more over the counter drugs until the magic hour of permission strikes. Sometimes I do follow the rules.
That silence of darkness exaggerates the voices in your head … the ones that sent out a thousand invitations to a pity party where you have no snacks or fancy food trays to serve the million who show up. Talk about going viral in more ways than one …
And when you turn on a light, all you see are the things you’ve not finished. The boxes you had almost completed sorting until … IT hit. The cat toys and scattered papers from cat paws until … IT hit. The laundry and dishes that were on part of a productive day until … IT hit. The list of projects that I committed to finish until … IT hit. The vacuum cleaner ready for heavy duty cat hair duty until … IT hit.
And when you can’t think clearly, your imagination goes wild with new fiction and non-fiction story lines that you can’t begin to type because the screen is too fuzzy to cooperate with your exhausted eyes. And all the editing that needs to be done on the computer eats up more bytes than I could ever feed.
With the darkness outside, you see your reflection in the window from the inside light … and look to see if your mom or dad or other guardian angel is really there keeping watch in your loneliest moments. Oh wait, it could be God’s face I see … or else some window peeper who’s standing on a ladder outside my kitchen … What are in these drugs I’m taking?
And you pray to get your voice back … as another voice in your head says, “Yeah, what are you going to do with it when you do? Whine? Complain? Pretend to know what you’re talking about?” I had hoped to be more concise and record a bunch of audios and videos on my long to-do list. And maybe have some meaningful conversations with friends and loved ones.
In those lonely moments when you wonder if it’s true that all pain and suffering ends when you cross over. A reminder that life is not easy, nor fair … full of uncertainty, yet filled with curiosity for what will be.
Oh, all the things I want to say and do … hoping my messy handwritten notes make sense tomorrow … that I’ll pick up the pieces and be more focused … reminded how precious our conscious moments truly are …
As my cats lurk nearby, trying to understand why Mommy is so quiet, saying nothing with her mouth … yet her nose sure honks a lot …
Hey, drop me a line at [email protected] or leave a comment below. I’d love to speak to your group, organization or company about working our way through the pain and challenges of everyday life. You want straight talk? You got me!
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